Friday, December 29, 2006

Mallu aka Malabari aka Malayali!

I came across this funny post on Mallus. Having lived in the Middle East I couldn't help getting amused. To all Malayalis; no malice intended. Please don't get me wrong. I am not a Malayali but many of them are my good friends and I do envy them for their versatility and ability to succeed against all odds. Take it all with a pinch of salt. Apologies if it hurt any one.

Mallu: A colloquial name given to people from the state of kerala, India.

1. Statement: You always find mallus in herds or groups.
Fact: Mallus are social animals like hyenas and live in packs of two or more members. This can be attributed to their anticipation of revolution and of course no one wants to be left behind in devouring the spoils. As a corollary, hyenas like mallus, are scavengers. They prefer the “killing” to be done by someone else.

2. Statement: Mallus are well-educated.
Fact: When you have master’s degree holders driving buses and PhD holders working as peons you don’t call them well-educated. They are over-educated.

3. Statement: Mallus are fond of coconuts.
Fact: Another under statement. The best way to stifle a mallu would be to cut his sources of this wonder-fruit. Coconut and its by-products make up approximately 67% of a mallu’s body composition. Make it 93% if you include the kilo-litres of coconut oil applied on his/her hair. Twice everyday we take bath in lukewarm coconut oil and have only coconut chutney for food seven days a week.

4. Statement: Most Mallus are communist and are champions of the downtrodden.
Fact: Irrespective of political parties a mallu belongs to, he is inherently communist in thought, and endeavours to usher in an egalitarian era of proletarian delight (now, what does that mean!). One in which man and man are equally poor and miserable.

5. Statement: Mallus are highly mobile and are everywhere.
Fact: Of course they are. Neil Armstrong claims to have had tea and parippuvada (also called dal vada in certain regions of India) at a “Nair Chaya Kada” (tea shops run by Nairs) when he made mankind’s first Lunar landing. The only inference we can make out of his statement is that mallus are extra terrestrial!

6. Statement: Mallus are very good at languages.
Fact: Ever heard a mallu speak English and you wouldnt doubt the truth behind this statement. Mallu English is a language of its “vvown and is mechh zimbler thaan the Qyoon’s Engleesh”. Mallus are equally adept at speaking any alien tongue which will put the original speakers of the language to shame at their own linguistic ineptitude. Mallus also speak Malayalam.

7. Statement: More than half the Mallu population is in the middle-east.
Fact: The entire oil belt in the middle-east (also called “Gelf” or “Persia”), has a liberal concentration of Mallus, most of them working in “highly skilled” occupations as drivers, fire engineers, mechanics, fitters and crane operators. That they wouldn’t have stooped to doing such menial labour back home is a different issue. The NORK (Non Resident Keralite) equation is gradually shifting in favour of Western Europe and the US with more mallu nurses finding jobs in those regions. The fact that Kerala survives on income repatriated by the Mallu diaspora still remains undisputed.

8. Statement: Mallu names are the finest examples of brevity and simplicity.
Fact: Mallu names are disyllabic at the most and any two syllables put together give you a mallu name. Lijo, Jijo, Jibu, Biju, Shiju, Shoji, Joji, Titty, Ani, Nibi, Bini, Jikku, Kichu, Lisha are all uniquely mallu. They usually do not carry the additional burden of being meaningful. Compare the ease calling out to a mallu called Jiji Anto and someone else named Bibhutibhushan Bandopadhyaya or Sreenivasa Sastri Nimmagadda.

9. Statement: Mallus are athletic and sporty.
Fact: Who hasn’t heard about P T Usha! Given the long coastline that stretches from Kanyakumari to Mangalore, all mallus run on the beach daily for at least 4 hours to keep themselves fit. P T Usha during her heydays used to crisscross the state lengthwise and get back home for an early lunch each day. Mallus are equally adept at other physically demanding sports activities like participating in political processions, striking work, throwing stones at KSRTC buses and watching serials on satellite TV from 2:00pm to 10:00pm everyday.

10. Statement: Mallus are a conceited lot.
Fact: Mallus are just not conceited alone. They are crafty, calculating, conniving and contort facts to attain their ends (Take the case of this post! If he was a mallu author don’t you think the author has a hidden agenda?). Deceptive double-crossers! Well as I already said I am no mallu; and do not know the source of this writing!

159 comments:

Anonymous said...

Well Dude!this Malyalis are real wonderful ppl comparing their knowledge with other Indians.as from Karnataka I know,Mallus are way better than rest of the ppl may be punjabi's will be a competition.

Anonymous said...

thats funny...liked your blogs :)

Anonymous said...

Hello Vinay,

Hilarious!

I'm a mallu myself and I found your post absolutely amusing! Everyone is entitled to his/her opinions. You will find that most mallus simply dont care what you write. I daresay that not a single mallu will declare a fatwa on the great genius that produced this striking piece of literature. Even though it was a trite larger than life, I must acknowlege the genius of the man that went great lengths to do so. There are a couple of areas that he has left untouched and I have a feeling that he has gingerly ventured into this domain - mallu or non mallu! Hopefully, this will give him the much needed courage to go all out and do full justice to our tribe.
Taken in jest, everything goes. Lastly, I just noticed a few people have taken it seriously. To those people I would say this : A mallu is like any other person. Look closely and you will find these qualities in any other. But if all these anecdotes make you smile (at our expense), go right ahead. It sure feels good to know that this will bring a smile to your faces. But for petes sake, dont take it seriously ! Vinay himself was wise enough to say so.

Anonymous said...

I have seen so much mallu haters in UAE. I never heard the word Mallu mother chooth/bahan chooth from a paki/local or any other nationality..but from fellow indians million time. Why north indians hate mallus? may be their moms screwed by mallus

Anonymous said...

hey i just came thrgh this post
i hav bein a half mallu i HATE mallus
u dnt wanna go anywhere near them they hav no class no style no personality
all they do is criticise
ma moms mallu but she nvr say she is 1 bcoz she knws they r bloody bugs
n i m happy n proud 2 say i m not 1
thnk god ma dads punjabi

Anonymous said...

Brilliant Post! I am part Mallu myself and I have to say I admire their versatility and adaptability!
What would the Gelf be without Mallus?! They certainly go out of their way to help you out.

Totto said...

hi Vinay. I'm sure you'll agree with me that mallus are crafty and perspicacious. Having said that,let me remind now that it is an obvious fact that you are trying to hide when you say repeatedly that you ain't mallu.

Anonymous said...

To the idiot who says that he hates mallus and that his father is punjabi all i can say is that kick your mother out of your house because your mother is a malyali and ask your father to marry a punjabi. If you ask me punjabis are the biggest assholes. They are the biggest braggarts, racists and the most venomous snakes as far as a south indian is concerned. No doubt a punjabi's natural hatred of south indians have rubbed on you since your father is a punjabi. And let me tell you we don't respect females who marry punjabis and produce mongrels like you.And hey you half punju mongrel next time when you elect your politicians in punjab tell them to seperate kerala from india. It is a pain in the ass living in the same country with you people.

Anonymous said...

I agree with your blog completely. Mallus are the worst idiots you can find in the world. Conniving and selfish idiots. Never trust them.

Anonymous said...

hei Assoles out ther who hates mallus .. u wer dfntly screwd by mallus... Ain't that The Truth...?and bloody punju.. we are never known for out stupidity lik punjus ..!!dare u .......!!!
look at the ppl who r leading space research & rocket science in India ..no single punjabi there ..all are mallus ..

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Anonymous said...

Mallu's are the most indelligend people in the wer’ld....they are very seccessful in Gelf gandries (by picking camel dung )....make kerala borata (Paratha) (out of the awful sooji atta) .....eat porridge be’cause id ese heldhy (err too lazy to do any meaningful farming in their own god’s country)....make bestu films in India (rest of the time make lot of porn movies)....where their ministers pay lot of attention to their education (but it’s always the gerl’s hose-tel)....have highest literacy rate in India (and still remain dumb)......and work very hard (when there is no other option..and that’s always)......very superior to other neighbours because they live in a vey beudiful gaendry (as they have lot of coconet drees).... ...make fandastic sea food (only ones in the world known to make awful seafood)..................have beudiful hot’e wemen (willing to sleeb with anyone)....brepare excellend food (from parachute oeil)....you will find a mallu anywhere in the we’rld (a mallu will see one floor wiping mallu in LON/NY and gen-glude that their chetans(Bhaiya) are everywhere in UK/USA).....claim their gendry is god’s own gendry (with hells own suicide rate),,,,,,,,,hey wait ! what’s happening here ...does god has a planned to clean his gendry and keep out these scum of the earth !!!

Anonymous said...

Mallu: A bunch of whinnos from a state in India.
1. Statement: You always find mallus in herds or groups.
Fact: A Mallu cannot operate by himself on Individual terms.
2. Statement: Mallus are well educated.
Fact: So that they can read all leftist books and hook on the anti-establishment attitude as they cannot bear any other Indian being smarter than they are.(But do not ask why they produce/act & enjoy movies with maximum rape scenes).Who said hypocrisy is bad?
3. Statement: Mallus are fond of coconuts.
Fact: Because that is the only crop that grows (aah that does not need any hard work, which a lazy mallu is not prepared to do) almost by itself and drops its coconut right on the floor.
4. Statement: Most Mallus are communist and are champions of the downtrodden.
Fact: Maullu’s leftist attitude is not based on equalism & socialism, but in their inherent leaning to just do nothing all day and expect the state to take care of them. Also the underlying fact was that they were too dumb and gullible in their pre-independence days where they were taken for a ride by their aristocratic (the shirtles nair landlord) lords for long long time. Some like Karl Marx had to write a book to them to make them understand that point.
5. Statement: Mallus are highly mobile and are everywhere.
Fact: Because they are unwilling to do anything expect in their country and have no option but to run puntchure shops,chai shops,etc...out of their state.
6. Statement: Mallus are very good at languages.
Fact: “I yeam goeing do gelf” Err what about others.Do they have time to think about it.
7. Statement: More than half the Mallu population is in the middle east.
Fact: For the betterment of Gelf economy,Oil economy and the werld population they work for a dime without batting an eyelid. (Sorry Karl Marx; Sorry Point # 4).
8. Statement: Mallu names are the finest examples of brevity and simplicity.
Fact: Kunju (Balls), Kunjan (One with Balls), Kuttan (Shortie), Kutty (maal), Biju (God is love), Bijoy (Oh Jesus) and so on...
9. Statement: Mallus are athletic and sporty.
Fact: When they shout slogans, want a factory lockout, burn a KSRTC Bus, run away from lathi-charge-tear gas, do a fantastic rape scene ...etc
10. Statement: Mallus are a conceited lot.
Fact: What more can you expect from a dumb & vainly melogomaniacal society .

Anonymous said...

look at the ppl who r leading space research & rocket science in India........Mallus...as they are the only ones who can make rockets to be launched into Bay of Bengal.

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But why has kerala state failed (inspite of the United mallus being the native of kerala who claims to be the most literate people in the country)?
1)If they are so literate then why don't they go back to their state and make Kerala an IT Hub or create jobs for their people?
I don't think they lack in money matters to make it happen.
2)Why do they go to the gulf and other countries to work as nurses,maid or other workers?
3)If they are very intelligent people and skilled people (the engineers in bangalore,chennai and hyderabad), then why dont't they make trivandrum compete with the IT hubs bangalore,chennai and hyderabad.
4)If they are the most literate people in the country then why don't they open enough good technical and medical colleges in Kerala instead of sending thousands of students to karnataka, tamil nadu and AP?
These are very logical questions which will only benefit the revenue of their state. Instead of bragging around of being succesful people (and claiming that others are jealous of your success), please remember that you build your own home first instead of living in other's houses and talking tall claims!!!!!!!! If you still want to live in others’ house, then SHUT UP!!!!

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