Mallu aka Malabari aka Malayali!

I came across this funny post on Mallus. Having lived in the Middle East I couldn't help getting amused. To all Malayalis; no malice intended. Please don't get me wrong. I am not a Malayali but many of them are my good friends and I do envy them for their versatility and ability to succeed against all odds. Take it all with a pinch of salt. Apologies if it hurt any one.

Mallu: A colloquial name given to people from the state of kerala, India.

1. Statement: You always find mallus in herds or groups.
Fact: Mallus are social animals like hyenas and live in packs of two or more members. This can be attributed to their anticipation of revolution and of course no one wants to be left behind in devouring the spoils. As a corollary, hyenas like mallus, are scavengers. They prefer the “killing” to be done by someone else.

2. Statement: Mallus are well-educated.
Fact: When you have master’s degree holders driving buses and PhD holders working as peons you don’t call them well-educated. They are over-educated.

3. Statement: Mallus are fond of coconuts.
Fact: Another under statement. The best way to stifle a mallu would be to cut his sources of this wonder-fruit. Coconut and its by-products make up approximately 67% of a mallu’s body composition. Make it 93% if you include the kilo-litres of coconut oil applied on his/her hair. Twice everyday we take bath in lukewarm coconut oil and have only coconut chutney for food seven days a week.

4. Statement: Most Mallus are communist and are champions of the downtrodden.
Fact: Irrespective of political parties a mallu belongs to, he is inherently communist in thought, and endeavours to usher in an egalitarian era of proletarian delight (now, what does that mean!). One in which man and man are equally poor and miserable.

5. Statement: Mallus are highly mobile and are everywhere.
Fact: Of course they are. Neil Armstrong claims to have had tea and parippuvada (also called dal vada in certain regions of India) at a “Nair Chaya Kada” (tea shops run by Nairs) when he made mankind’s first Lunar landing. The only inference we can make out of his statement is that mallus are extra terrestrial!

6. Statement: Mallus are very good at languages.
Fact: Ever heard a mallu speak English and you wouldnt doubt the truth behind this statement. Mallu English is a language of its “vvown and is mechh zimbler thaan the Qyoon’s Engleesh”. Mallus are equally adept at speaking any alien tongue which will put the original speakers of the language to shame at their own linguistic ineptitude. Mallus also speak Malayalam.

7. Statement: More than half the Mallu population is in the middle-east.
Fact: The entire oil belt in the middle-east (also called “Gelf” or “Persia”), has a liberal concentration of Mallus, most of them working in “highly skilled” occupations as drivers, fire engineers, mechanics, fitters and crane operators. That they wouldn’t have stooped to doing such menial labour back home is a different issue. The NORK (Non Resident Keralite) equation is gradually shifting in favour of Western Europe and the US with more mallu nurses finding jobs in those regions. The fact that Kerala survives on income repatriated by the Mallu diaspora still remains undisputed.

8. Statement: Mallu names are the finest examples of brevity and simplicity.
Fact: Mallu names are disyllabic at the most and any two syllables put together give you a mallu name. Lijo, Jijo, Jibu, Biju, Shiju, Shoji, Joji, Titty, Ani, Nibi, Bini, Jikku, Kichu, Lisha are all uniquely mallu. They usually do not carry the additional burden of being meaningful. Compare the ease calling out to a mallu called Jiji Anto and someone else named Bibhutibhushan Bandopadhyaya or Sreenivasa Sastri Nimmagadda.

9. Statement: Mallus are athletic and sporty.
Fact: Who hasn’t heard about P T Usha! Given the long coastline that stretches from Kanyakumari to Mangalore, all mallus run on the beach daily for at least 4 hours to keep themselves fit. P T Usha during her heydays used to crisscross the state lengthwise and get back home for an early lunch each day. Mallus are equally adept at other physically demanding sports activities like participating in political processions, striking work, throwing stones at KSRTC buses and watching serials on satellite TV from 2:00pm to 10:00pm everyday.

10. Statement: Mallus are a conceited lot.
Fact: Mallus are just not conceited alone. They are crafty, calculating, conniving and contort facts to attain their ends (Take the case of this post! If he was a mallu author don’t you think the author has a hidden agenda?). Deceptive double-crossers! Well as I already said I am no mallu; and do not know the source of this writing!